And Still I Grieve

Losing someone you love is something you're never prepared for. That piercing noise that fills your head immediately. That moment when your world comes crashing down. I was safe in the knowledge that my father will always be there for me, a strong, determined man, larger than life. But right then, my world rearranges...I'm a ship whose anchor has been untethered, left to the mercies of a raging storm. I am lost. 

I’ve always marvelled at how easily tears fill up one's eye ducts when they hear news of death. That night, I finally understood a mystery I was unprepared for. The unending tears, the shock, the way my hands could not stop shaking. I kept seeing his face over and over, willing to conjure him up....but he was gone forever. Suddenly, I had to learn to live without a father. 

It is often said that there are five stages of grief, but no one ever really prepares you to move past the anger or the depression. It's been two years now and I still haven't accepted the death of my father. I grieve for him still, missing him everyday, imagining a life where he is alive in my head, deluding myself.

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be able to truly move on, accept the reality of my situation.....get to a place of acceptance emotionally?Or will I always be lost, holding on to fragments of my imagination, living in the fantasy world I've created for myself......