TO BE LOVED

 

How does it feel to be loved? For someone to understand your unspoken words by looking into your eyes. To memorise your expressions, every curve of your skin. To completely occupy someone’s mind and heart. Perhaps it is how Juliet felt with Romeo or how Rose felt when Jack sacrificed his life to save hers.

Or perhaps it is how I would feel if anyone ever made the effort to know me-how I love when it rains, how my music taste chooses me...how my best drink is chilled water, how I squint when I am absent minded, why I hate public transport, the little dance I do while eating food I love, how I laugh at every little thing, how much I love hugs, how my eyes light up when I see someone I like, my little giggles when I’m shy, the birthmark on my eyebrows that I do not like, the color of my eyes, how much I love colouring my hair-. Or if anyone would gaze at me like the sun shines out of my eyes, touch me like I’m a god and you’re on your knees worshiping, kiss me like my mouth is a channel and our fluids could ease you in, making you one with me...would I feel loved then?

When you say you love me, what do you actually mean? You love that I make you feel good and encourage you to be vulnerable ? Or that I’m loyal and will always have your back? Are those words merely superficial? I do not think you love me. If you do, you’ll learn what makes me smile, what irks me, how bad my anxiety could get and how much I need reassurance. You’ll tickle me and play with me because it makes my inner child happy.

 You’ll buy me books and listen to me when I talk about the characters like they exist. You’ll understand that I cannot fall asleep with the light on. You’ll cook for me and sing along to Ali Gatie with me. You’ll organise movie nights and instead of popcorn you’ll make samosas and chicken available.

You’ll always make my birthdays and valentines day special. You’ll dance in the rain with me. You’ll let me wear your hoodie and jackets. You’ll make goofy videos with me and always take candid pictures of me when we are together. You’ll prioritise quality time and always be there for cuddles. You’ll curate playlists just for us. You’ll make me your passenger princess and take me on late night drives.

You’ll buy me food and feed me. You’ll plan dates and be intentional with me. You’ll randomly do nice things for me, just because. You’ll hold hands with me and give me forehead kisses. I wouldn’t have to beg for your attention because it will never be absent.

I do not want you to love me because I’m beautiful or because I make you laugh. I yearn for something deeper, forged by the sound of my laughter, the sound of my voice, how passionate I get when I’m on stage, how my eyes light up when I smile, the look on my face when I pout, how i look like when sleeping, my personal values and my mind set. I crave a love that sees me.

You whisper romantic words to me, yet after the echoes die away, I find only emptiness. There are depths of love yet yours is a passing breeze. Do you know how to truly love me or are your words empty promises, cushioning me in my solitude? You say you love me, but I’ve never truly felt it.